Annoying Christmas Music

Some years ago I considered myself a purist when it came to taste in Christmas music. All I wanted to listen to were the classics, anything that came out of the Oxford Book of Carols, or anything written and arranged by David Willcocks or John Rutter. Basically, stuff from the British school and Lessons and Carols genre. In the last decade or so I’ve secularized my tastes, including some Rat Pack Christmas music, and even adding some tunes from Brian Setzer’s orchestra. Depending on the listening mood, I swing from ethereal to outright fun.

Lately I’ve been expanding my listening even more. XM Radio has a channel set up purely for annoying Christmas music. I’m not talking about music that just gets on your nerves such as “Carol of the Bells” or anything by Manheim Pavement Leveler. You will find dogs barking “Jingle Bells” and “Grandma got run over by a reindeer,” but there are many, many more. There are all of Ray Steven’s contributions to the genre, as well as endless parodies of Rudolph and “The Night Before Christmas.” Then there are the attempts to force music from one genre into another, such as “Jingle Bell Punk” instead of “Jingle Bell Rock” and an ironic klesmer band version of “Deck the Halls”.

What I find more interesting are the original songs. A large percentage of these are Country and Western, but there are some other stinkers. Some of these are truly, truly vile. Here are a few examples…

• “Santa Claus Is a Black Man” – a young child sings about getting up Christmas Eve to find that Santa looks an awful lot like her father, who is African American.  1970’s cliche’s about afros and soul food abound.
• “The Only Jew at Christmas” – by Dr. Chompski, with endearing lyrics such as…
  • It’s so hard to be the only Jew at Christmas
    It’s so hard to smile when you’re bored
    While everybody’s opening their presents
    You know they think you killed the Lord
• “Christmas Is Coming Twice This Year” – by the Hollytones. Children sing about the benefits of Christmas with divorced parents who have joint custody, and the competition to provide the best gifts.
• “I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas Is Going to Stink for Me)” – by the Little Stinkers, self-explanatory.

These were humorous for awhile, but I reached my limit when I heard “O Come All Ye Faithful” as performed by Twisted Sister. It’s not that I object to a heavy metal setting of a beloved carol, it was just that this live version was absolutely terrible, with guitar power chords that never fit, and a vocalist who kept forgetting how the song went. Fortunately, the next channel up was playing John Rutter, so I was able to cleanse my palate.